The time is nearing
We will depart
My tears come pouring
For I will miss you dearly

I’m conflicted you see
I want to feel freely
I want to feel it with all my soul
I want to know losing you
I want to know it deeply
I want to cry in deep and bitter sorrow
I want to experience the wholeness of that sentiment

And yet
And yet
There is too much seriousness to that
What if I you really did mean that much to me?
What if you really were that essential?

I know of attachment
I know of two souls coming together
I know of souls being ripped apart
I fear not either

I will cry with all my heart
For I have lost
Ripped in half
Left to limp away

A voice
With a simple message
…

Hello

…

Do you hear the message?

…

You are not alone
I am here
With you

…

Do you hear the message?

I hear “blah blah blah” in my mind more frequently when I listen to presenters or read blogs. The thing is this : I’ve heard a billion opinions about the world. I’ve been told that I need to do A to obtain B. And you know what? I’ve also been told that C will obtain B. Or that A will actually obtain D.

There is a great variation of truth about the world! Ultimately it’s all noise from the real truth : Your own experience. Go out and test the world. That is when you’ll discover what is real and what isn’t. Screw the opinions of everyone else. Screw what they say. Discover for yourself what is real.

i wish I could offer solid advice to people on how to be happier. honestly, I don’t understand it myself. i find myself crying again for the billionth time this year. yes, I feel as if I’m aware that there are things I could do to make myself feel better. but, I honestly don’t understand why at some points. i’ve tried the method of control over my emotions. that just seems to lead to suffocation of who i am.

i think the most interesting thing about my personal development journey is that i’ve given up trying to impose a new personality on myself. i’ve given up trying to control the change. instead, now i’m picking a path of accepting the instincts already inside of me. i needn’t subscribe to an identity when there is already one present inside of me.

so now, i watch myself. i watch as my identity reveals itself in the actions I take in a moment.

i’m frighten with this process. it may be the only fear i actually know now. what do I actually do when I begin to release the constraints? how will the world around me respond? is this unfolding person inside of me acceptable?

there is only one way to find these answers.

You look at my words
But, do you see behind them?

These words mean nothing
Nothing!
They are but a spectacle for you to see
Rambling Rambling!

There is spirit you see
There is something so much more grand
It’s the space between the words
Find the essence

My RSS reader this morning contained a wonderful post that touched me with it’s authenticity. In a moment I felt connected to this person merely from the words he typed. An odd thing happened through when I clicked on the link in my RSS reader to post a comment. The page was no longer there. Curiously, I checked out the front page of the blog to see the post was not on the front page either

*sighs*

This page was removed because this person was afraid to express the authentic self he had accepted in a moment. The post contained a proclamation of thoughts, feelings, and impulses that may not be societally accepted. These are scary things to talk about sometimes. I mean what happens when we expose these possibly unacceptable aspects of ourselves to others?

The answer to me is frequently unknown. I say this because I find it impossible to distinguish projections of my own fears to that of actual consequences. I’m actually uncertain as to weather it’s society that limits my expression or if it’s my own fears.

I’ve got no answer and I’ve spent too much time thinking about this. I’ve decided to simply keep increasing the channels in which I can express myself regardless of consequence. I’m thinking the key is baby steps. If I happen to cross some boundary I’m unaware of then there should be someone there to smack me back in place. I can live with this.

Now this is working for me at the moment, however I still have much sympathy for those that haven’t found a way. Authenticity is an expression of our actual self. When we are authentic, we are most true to ourself. How can we expect to grow if we are not authentic?

I’ve got you now
I’m here and you are here
We are present
Show me your depth
Show me that mystery

Eyes locked
Infinite beauty in the reflection

Hi!
Yes.
It is ok.
Be with me.

Amazing, huh?
Simple.
Us.
Here.
Now.

You understand
I knew you would
It is ok

I appreciate this
Thank you

Good bye

Looking into your eyes
The mirror of the universe
Who are you?
Who am I?
The spiral inward toward us

Eyes removed
Where are we
Lost?
A moment in time contains a moment of us
And now, separate, only past exists in our mind

The psychic light may remain
Blue strands connect where we go
My past in you pulled taught
We move together through this strand
Past, present, history all contained now

planted deep in the pumping red
nestled away, hidden
life

a maze and mirrors
reflecting the reflections of reflections that reflect
infinity observed by uncomprehending
a conversation of fuzzying light bouncing back and forth
truth obfuscated in plain light
all the mirage
all the bullshit
senseless illusion battle
victors emerge
truth shatters the mirrors of illusion
truth remains hidden

you protect and in doing so you cage me
i feel constant disapointment to you
i feel not good enough
i’m a child

sludge filled shoes fill the thoughts of my mind
stepping closer to you and you may help me
stepping closer to you and i may hurt you
stepping away because i’m not worth it
diseased and broken
run away from me please

loved filled arms a distant memory
fading in the depths of my mind
the terror rises
a bad trip
alone with no one but myself to help me
no trust in myself
i hide and cower

the dagger has my name on it
the dagger to dig a wound so deep
night after night it stabs and twist
a trench created
a deep hole to exist
a reminder i can never forget
my suffering is eternal

these vibes do not suit you yet you can’t forgive yourself
the only person that will punish you is yourself
where is the voice of compassion now?
where is the compassion for yourself?
the judge’s hammer has fallen
struck deep into your soul
compassion whimpers

your true colors really show
the cruelty you possess
pulling away everything that really matters
nothing is left for you to do except suffer

why do you go down this path
why do you choose the pain if you teach forgiveness
why can you not forgive yourself
you don’t trust you will learn without the pain?
you don’t trust others can learn without the pain?
burn yourself if you must
burn yourself if you find that is the only way
remember though
you can only hide in your pain for so long
you have work to do that you can’t escape

I sit on the deck in the sun and chat with a friend of only a few days. I wonder, does he really know how much he has touched me? I don’t understand why, but I feel connected to him. I feel we share some same thread.

He knows our time is up and almost reluctantly wants to depart wisdom. I give what I can to show him I’m ready to hear whatever he has to say. Not quite able to describe in words he uses gesturing to assist. He demonstrates me looking out into the world. His head leans forward and is gazing from side to side. He then gestures toward my chest. He wants me to look there?

I take that moment to put all of my attention on my chest. My GOD! A deepness sinks inside of me and I’m frightened. I back away… and then creep my attention back there. Back and forth I go. There is a mystery here that I’m frightened of. I’m aware now.

I bring myself back to my surrounding. I’m not ready just yet to understand what this all means and I must say good bye.